Do It For Who?
Laying in bed with only string lights to illuminate my pages, I opened my journal for the first time in months. The sound of Kari Jobe serenaded my sheets. Anxiety was creeping up like acid reflux. I sat praying for a spiritual Tums to suppress my anxiety, just enough so I could make it through the day.
I ran through all the things I wanted to do during my gap year between undergrad and medical school. As the options slid through the screen of my mind, I heard and felt distinct responses from Him. “No, Not yet. Not there. Not them”.
Immediately I thought, why? If I could just figure out what negative repercussion would come from these decisions I could decided if I was willing to take the risk. “Maybe it’s just because I won’t make that much money, Maybe it’s because He has something better for me, Maybe we will end up getting in a bad fight”.
It was reflex at this point always thinking why. Always thinking how is this going to effect me.
As my pen continued to decorate the page, I felt the lump of guilt and embarrassment struggle to make its way down my esophagus. All these years I was fixated on what my obedience would do for me, what the pay off would be. Like an infant only complying to receive a piece of candy or the newest toy.
Had I been this naive and childish in my faith that I only listened to my Father when I had a good understanding of was in it for me?
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain – Phillipians 1:21
My obedience was not intended to be used as a bartering chip, but rather to bring glory to God. My work here on earth was to fulfill His mission not mine. The blessings and gifts are simply a side effect or gracious present that comes a la carte.
At such an age it was tough to come to terms with the fact I had been living so childishly and blatantly selfish.
So like any good kid trying to learn, I humbly admitted my shortcomings and exchanged my previous mindset for His. It didn’t come instantly, like learning to walk for the first time. I am still wobbling and been reverting back to crawling, but I am determined to make the transition from fours to two. Through His patience and instruction.
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